If you read that blog title and immediately thought of Heavy D, Kool G Rap, Grand Puba, etc. You are fucking old! And no, the irony of that last adjective in relation to the title is not lost on me. Nope, it was quite fucking purposeful. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck.
That felt good. You see, I’ve been finding new and unique ways to censor myself as I hang out with the kids. Before, when I would just visit and hang out with the girlfriend and the boys, it was easy for me to wag my finger at her and say incredibly elitist and snotty things like “little pitchers have big ears!” whenever she would let some blue language slip. But now that the girlfriend is the wife-elect, and the boys are living with me 24/7, I see how difficult it can be to keep your language clean.
I have found some interesting deviations though, and I thought I’d share some with you.
Son-of-a-bitch = Son-of-a-business person’s special. Full disclosure, I’ve been saying this one for at least a decade; long before the wife-elect and I started dating. It started because the local sports talk station was always advertising business person specials and I honestly just liked how it sounded.
Fuck = Fudgicles. This one came form the common replacement of “fuck” with “fudge” and got twisted by a line from Milhouse Van Houten.
Fuck = Bugger. I’m a bit of an Anglophile, so this one was a given
Fuck/Shit=Ballsacky. Believe it or not, this one stems from my Anglophilia too. Instead of the common English saying of “balls” to take the place of either of those words, I just added the “sacky”
Shit=shi’ite. Fairly straightforward. Though I have been known to go even further and say “holy sh’ite muslim!”
Before long I should have a replacement for every cunting word in by vo-goddamn-cabulary!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Life as Daddy: Month One
I mentioned in a previous blog that my fiancee (though we prefer the term "wife-elect")and her two sons moved in with me recently. Well I have a little over a month under my belt living with her and the boys and it's been quite an experience so far.
The first thing that caught me off guard was coming home and hearing "hi daddy!". I was surprised at how quickly they both took to calling me daddy of their own accord. I gotta say, I love it. Though there are a few things I have to get used to.
First off, i need to get more selfless and less selfish. I'm not gonna lie, as an only child for the first 8 years of my life, and a geek for all 28 so far, I've grown used to being by myself in my down time, and appreciating the special kind of quiet solitude that exists between myself and my books, games, movies, music, etc. But now, I need to share that down time with the boys. Our oldest said yesterday that he likes when he, his brother and I bond. That's awesome! It makes my heart grow about 3 sizes just hearing him say that.
But the "bachelor" in me, still wants some time to do grown-up stuff. Mind you, our 8 and 6 year-old already think they're grown-ups (at least till the batteries in the night light die), but they aren't grown up enough to watch R-rated movies with me or play M-rated games with me, or listen to Cuban Linx II. I need to restructure my leisure time around the boys and things that we can all do together.
To that end, the wife-elect and I taught the boys how to play dominoes last weekend. We though this was a relatively simple game, that could keep us all entertained. Well, the rules proved a little too much for them at some points. Unfortunately a weekend full of them double dutching with our last nerves led to short fuses for both parents and this experiment was less than ideal. Not giving up though. We'll find something family friendly and fun eventually.
The first thing that caught me off guard was coming home and hearing "hi daddy!". I was surprised at how quickly they both took to calling me daddy of their own accord. I gotta say, I love it. Though there are a few things I have to get used to.
First off, i need to get more selfless and less selfish. I'm not gonna lie, as an only child for the first 8 years of my life, and a geek for all 28 so far, I've grown used to being by myself in my down time, and appreciating the special kind of quiet solitude that exists between myself and my books, games, movies, music, etc. But now, I need to share that down time with the boys. Our oldest said yesterday that he likes when he, his brother and I bond. That's awesome! It makes my heart grow about 3 sizes just hearing him say that.
But the "bachelor" in me, still wants some time to do grown-up stuff. Mind you, our 8 and 6 year-old already think they're grown-ups (at least till the batteries in the night light die), but they aren't grown up enough to watch R-rated movies with me or play M-rated games with me, or listen to Cuban Linx II. I need to restructure my leisure time around the boys and things that we can all do together.
To that end, the wife-elect and I taught the boys how to play dominoes last weekend. We though this was a relatively simple game, that could keep us all entertained. Well, the rules proved a little too much for them at some points. Unfortunately a weekend full of them double dutching with our last nerves led to short fuses for both parents and this experiment was less than ideal. Not giving up though. We'll find something family friendly and fun eventually.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Rantpire
Seriously. I'm done with this "new" breed of vampire fiction. I say "new" because most of these movies and tv shows are based on books that are almost a decade old. And in some cases, even older. Please don't read this as a diss on Stephanie Meyer. I got nothing against her as a person or her books about the adventures of borderline cannibalistic fairies. I just don't get why people insist on calling them "vampires". Vampires burn in the sunlight, not sparkle. Call me a purist, but I think that if you're going to call somethinf by a name, you should probably stick to the agreed upon definition of said word. For example, if I were to call an animal that barks and wags its tail a "bird", you would probably be confused as to why I don't just call it a "dog". And you know what? You'd be right.
You know who I really blame though? Anne Rice. Yes I own almost all of the Vampire Chronicles and have read the first 5, but looking back, she was the one who popularized this image of the vampire as the misunderstood tortured soul. Lestat eventually went from lovable rogue and a prick, to the 13th apostle.
You know who was an awesome vampire in relatively recent fiction? Proinsias muthafuckin' Cassidy! That was a bloodsucker who knew what he was and made no bones about it. he even got his redemption without being too emo about it. Awesome modern vampire. Give me 10 more like that guy and Ill start caring about vampire fiction again.
What's that you say? I can give a single dispensation to one kinda "fey" vamp?
Fine, I'll take William the Bloody. Any man who marches off to certain death saying "We band of buggered" can't be all that bad.
You know who I really blame though? Anne Rice. Yes I own almost all of the Vampire Chronicles and have read the first 5, but looking back, she was the one who popularized this image of the vampire as the misunderstood tortured soul. Lestat eventually went from lovable rogue and a prick, to the 13th apostle.
You know who was an awesome vampire in relatively recent fiction? Proinsias muthafuckin' Cassidy! That was a bloodsucker who knew what he was and made no bones about it. he even got his redemption without being too emo about it. Awesome modern vampire. Give me 10 more like that guy and Ill start caring about vampire fiction again.
What's that you say? I can give a single dispensation to one kinda "fey" vamp?
Fine, I'll take William the Bloody. Any man who marches off to certain death saying "We band of buggered" can't be all that bad.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Rise From Your Grave!!!
Yes, it's trite and predictable, but damned if it didn't keep popping into my head every time I thought about starting this damnable blog up again.
So, how've you been? I've been on a bit of a trip since last we spoke. Last time I wrote here, I was living in a 3 bedroom apartment with 2 roommates with my girlfriend living 300 miles away. Now, 8 months later, I'm living in a two bedroom apartment with my fiancee and will soon be sharing the apartment with her (and my future) sons. Let me tell you, it's a hell of a jump from being a kinda-bachelor (committed, but in a long distance relationship) to being affianced and essentially a dad to two boys. I keep thinking I'm gonna fuck something up, and that I'm not nearly prepared for either role. Yes, I can be a worrier, and this is a symptom of said affliction. But at the same time, I have never, ever taken on a role nearly this important, not to mention two such roles. I think some of my anxieties are warrented.
All of that said, I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. I don't think I've ever loved or cared for anyone or anything as much as my fiancee and the boys. Even so, I sometimes have problems placing things into the proper perspective and moving the focus from myself.
For example, I'm used to being relatively independent, and only having to think about myself and how the things I do and say affect me and me alone. Well, that shit don't fly when you're the head of a househld, and soon to be a husband and father. I'm used to looking at just about everything as a problem waiting to be solved. And when problem solving I usually rely on two things: faculty or force. If I can't out think the situation, I bludgeon that square peg right into that round hole. I need to focus more on feeling than those other "F"s.
Hopefully I'll be updating this blog more often in the future with more random thoughts.
So, how've you been? I've been on a bit of a trip since last we spoke. Last time I wrote here, I was living in a 3 bedroom apartment with 2 roommates with my girlfriend living 300 miles away. Now, 8 months later, I'm living in a two bedroom apartment with my fiancee and will soon be sharing the apartment with her (and my future) sons. Let me tell you, it's a hell of a jump from being a kinda-bachelor (committed, but in a long distance relationship) to being affianced and essentially a dad to two boys. I keep thinking I'm gonna fuck something up, and that I'm not nearly prepared for either role. Yes, I can be a worrier, and this is a symptom of said affliction. But at the same time, I have never, ever taken on a role nearly this important, not to mention two such roles. I think some of my anxieties are warrented.
All of that said, I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. I don't think I've ever loved or cared for anyone or anything as much as my fiancee and the boys. Even so, I sometimes have problems placing things into the proper perspective and moving the focus from myself.
For example, I'm used to being relatively independent, and only having to think about myself and how the things I do and say affect me and me alone. Well, that shit don't fly when you're the head of a househld, and soon to be a husband and father. I'm used to looking at just about everything as a problem waiting to be solved. And when problem solving I usually rely on two things: faculty or force. If I can't out think the situation, I bludgeon that square peg right into that round hole. I need to focus more on feeling than those other "F"s.
Hopefully I'll be updating this blog more often in the future with more random thoughts.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
I Heart Blu Ray
In the last two days I have done something I haven't done in a good long time: Blind bought movies/tv shows. For a long time I was only buying movies or shows that I had seen before. Sort of building up my collection as it were. But between Thursday and Friday I have bought 4 blu-rays I've never seen before.
First was Paprika
In spite of my nom de web, I'm not a big anime fan anymore. I used to be a huge one back in the 90s, but at some point I feel as though the medium has passed me by. I have neither the money nor the stamina to keep up with all the series that are available now. And, unlike the early days of anime in America, there's no more natural barrier to keeping the crap out. Back then, only the cream rose to the top, because there wasn't as high a demand for "just any anime". Now the market is flooded with everything from disposable Funimation drek to true masterpieces from the likes of Otomo, Miyazaki and Kon.
Satoshi Kon is the incredible director behind one of my favorite anime feature films of all time, Perfect Blue. Paprika is a film about dreams, what they tell us about ourselves and being true to your true self. I highly recommend it to fans of "art films", thought provoking movies, and especially lapsed anime fans like myself.
I also picked up Next Avengers
This is easily my favorite of the five Marvel original animated films thus far. And it's a huge improvement over Doctor Strange (my least favorite so far, but that's a discussion for another time). The premise is a simple one. The Avengers settled down and had children. One day, Ultron (the killer robot) resurfaces and the Avengers must rally to defeat him. Their children are sent to live with former playboy and superhero, Tony Stark, for safe keeping. When their parents all fall in battle, Tony raises the kids to one day take up the mantle of their superhero family.
I think not being tied into any rigidly established continuity allowed the creators to focus less on trying to make things "fit" for older viewers and more on great storytelling. Appropriately, it also is the kid-friendliest of all the films thus far. Great for kids and adults alike.
I also bought Weeds Season 1 and Wanted.
Unfortunately I haven't watched Wanted yet so I can't comment on it yet.
I am, however, more than halfway through the first season of Weeds and will soon be going back for more. It's a great show. Satirical, insightful, and all the time, it is not preachy, or playing too much to my least favorite of genre trappings: "Woe are we! The suburbs are really so devious and horrible to live in!" (I'm looking at you American Beauty and every wanna be that's come around since). Also, it's hard to put any one character in a box. I like that in my fiction, because it's such lazy writing to say "this is the bitchy mom", "this is the loser dad" etc. Life never works out that way, so why should fiction.
Also, is it me, or does the youngest son, Shane, often seem like he's walked into this show from a completely different show of his own? And I don't mean that as a slight against the character, the actor, or this show at all. But when you have a show about a single suburban mom trying to make ends meet by selling weed, and her youngest son (here be some spoilers)
Shoots a mountain lion in the face with a BB gun, and he films a fake terrorist beheading with a neighbor's kid
(here endeth the spoilers)
He just seems a little left of center. But I dig that.
Oh, and Mary Louise Parker?
RIDICULOUSLY hot!
That's all for now. Now to try to get some more Resistance 2 trophies and hopefully get some Rock Band on later.
First was Paprika
In spite of my nom de web, I'm not a big anime fan anymore. I used to be a huge one back in the 90s, but at some point I feel as though the medium has passed me by. I have neither the money nor the stamina to keep up with all the series that are available now. And, unlike the early days of anime in America, there's no more natural barrier to keeping the crap out. Back then, only the cream rose to the top, because there wasn't as high a demand for "just any anime". Now the market is flooded with everything from disposable Funimation drek to true masterpieces from the likes of Otomo, Miyazaki and Kon.
Satoshi Kon is the incredible director behind one of my favorite anime feature films of all time, Perfect Blue. Paprika is a film about dreams, what they tell us about ourselves and being true to your true self. I highly recommend it to fans of "art films", thought provoking movies, and especially lapsed anime fans like myself.
I also picked up Next Avengers
This is easily my favorite of the five Marvel original animated films thus far. And it's a huge improvement over Doctor Strange (my least favorite so far, but that's a discussion for another time). The premise is a simple one. The Avengers settled down and had children. One day, Ultron (the killer robot) resurfaces and the Avengers must rally to defeat him. Their children are sent to live with former playboy and superhero, Tony Stark, for safe keeping. When their parents all fall in battle, Tony raises the kids to one day take up the mantle of their superhero family.
I think not being tied into any rigidly established continuity allowed the creators to focus less on trying to make things "fit" for older viewers and more on great storytelling. Appropriately, it also is the kid-friendliest of all the films thus far. Great for kids and adults alike.
I also bought Weeds Season 1 and Wanted.
Unfortunately I haven't watched Wanted yet so I can't comment on it yet.
I am, however, more than halfway through the first season of Weeds and will soon be going back for more. It's a great show. Satirical, insightful, and all the time, it is not preachy, or playing too much to my least favorite of genre trappings: "Woe are we! The suburbs are really so devious and horrible to live in!" (I'm looking at you American Beauty and every wanna be that's come around since). Also, it's hard to put any one character in a box. I like that in my fiction, because it's such lazy writing to say "this is the bitchy mom", "this is the loser dad" etc. Life never works out that way, so why should fiction.
Also, is it me, or does the youngest son, Shane, often seem like he's walked into this show from a completely different show of his own? And I don't mean that as a slight against the character, the actor, or this show at all. But when you have a show about a single suburban mom trying to make ends meet by selling weed, and her youngest son (here be some spoilers)
Shoots a mountain lion in the face with a BB gun, and he films a fake terrorist beheading with a neighbor's kid
(here endeth the spoilers)
He just seems a little left of center. But I dig that.
Oh, and Mary Louise Parker?
RIDICULOUSLY hot!
That's all for now. Now to try to get some more Resistance 2 trophies and hopefully get some Rock Band on later.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Yep Still Alive; Part 2
Well yesterday was about comics, so today's blog won't be.
The Warriors:
The Warriors is quite possibly my favorite 70s movie and favorite cult movie (excepting, in both cases, the original Dawn of the Dead). There is just something about urban decay and blight as a visual setting that I just can't help but be attracted too. And The Warriors showcased this in spades. Add to that the over-the-top nature of the gangs and characters and you're guaranteed to appeal to the comic book fan in me. But, as great as the movie is, I'm writing to talk about the game based on it.
Movie licensed video games tend to, putting it lightly, suck massive amounts of ass. Only rarely do we get games that prove the exception to the rule. Fortunately The Warriors is one of them. Right off the bat, the game is able to avoid one of the major traps that most licensed games fall victim to. Most games of this nature fail by trying to stick too closely to the source material. Not realizing that stretching a 2 hour movie into a 8+ hour game is going to just lead to monotony and poor gameplay. The story of the game opens about 3 months prior to the story of the movie. Allowing for a significant amount of gameplay (easily 7+ hours) to play out before you even embark on the movie's storyline.
Bottom line, if you're a fan of old-school brawlers (Streets of Rage, Final Fight, etc) the game is definitely worth playing. And if you, like me, are a fan of the cult classic film, it's worth owning.
Bond. James Bond.
Like most from my generation, I grew up on the Bond movies of Dalton and Brosnan. And, as a kid, I was never a huge fan of the Bond films. I mostly watched them because I thought it was what guys were "supposed to" do. I never really got into the Bond films until I saw Casino Royale (which I initially hated, but have come to love). After that I bought one of the James Bond Ultimate Collections to try and give the Bond series a shot as an adult.
The collection I bought had a nice sampling of Bonds. Connery (From Russia With Love), Lazenby (On Her Majesty's Secret Service), Moore (Live and Let Die, For Your Eyes Only), and Brosnan (GoldenEye). Only Dalton was missing, but I'd already seen both of his Bond exploits as a kid, so it was no big loss.
The Collection was a revelation. I had always been under the impression that the earlier Bonds were exercises in extravagance and way too overblown to be believable. But of all the movies in the collection, only For Your Eyes Only failed to hold my attention. And even that wasn't because the movie was too over the top. It just didn't pop for me. Granted I still haven't seen some of the more hated entries (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, Tomorrow Never Dies, etc.), but I have to say that I'm looking forward to pouring over the remaining Bond movies.
And for the record, my list of favorite Bonds is as follows:
The Warriors:
The Warriors is quite possibly my favorite 70s movie and favorite cult movie (excepting, in both cases, the original Dawn of the Dead). There is just something about urban decay and blight as a visual setting that I just can't help but be attracted too. And The Warriors showcased this in spades. Add to that the over-the-top nature of the gangs and characters and you're guaranteed to appeal to the comic book fan in me. But, as great as the movie is, I'm writing to talk about the game based on it.
Movie licensed video games tend to, putting it lightly, suck massive amounts of ass. Only rarely do we get games that prove the exception to the rule. Fortunately The Warriors is one of them. Right off the bat, the game is able to avoid one of the major traps that most licensed games fall victim to. Most games of this nature fail by trying to stick too closely to the source material. Not realizing that stretching a 2 hour movie into a 8+ hour game is going to just lead to monotony and poor gameplay. The story of the game opens about 3 months prior to the story of the movie. Allowing for a significant amount of gameplay (easily 7+ hours) to play out before you even embark on the movie's storyline.
Bottom line, if you're a fan of old-school brawlers (Streets of Rage, Final Fight, etc) the game is definitely worth playing. And if you, like me, are a fan of the cult classic film, it's worth owning.
Bond. James Bond.
Like most from my generation, I grew up on the Bond movies of Dalton and Brosnan. And, as a kid, I was never a huge fan of the Bond films. I mostly watched them because I thought it was what guys were "supposed to" do. I never really got into the Bond films until I saw Casino Royale (which I initially hated, but have come to love). After that I bought one of the James Bond Ultimate Collections to try and give the Bond series a shot as an adult.
The collection I bought had a nice sampling of Bonds. Connery (From Russia With Love), Lazenby (On Her Majesty's Secret Service), Moore (Live and Let Die, For Your Eyes Only), and Brosnan (GoldenEye). Only Dalton was missing, but I'd already seen both of his Bond exploits as a kid, so it was no big loss.
The Collection was a revelation. I had always been under the impression that the earlier Bonds were exercises in extravagance and way too overblown to be believable. But of all the movies in the collection, only For Your Eyes Only failed to hold my attention. And even that wasn't because the movie was too over the top. It just didn't pop for me. Granted I still haven't seen some of the more hated entries (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker, Tomorrow Never Dies, etc.), but I have to say that I'm looking forward to pouring over the remaining Bond movies.
And for the record, my list of favorite Bonds is as follows:
- Craig
- Lazenby
- Connery
- Brosnan
- Moore
- Dalton
Monday, December 29, 2008
Yep Still Alive; Part 1
Wow, been a while hasn't it? Well between by several aborted attempts to create an entry entitled "In Defense Of Buffy Season 4" (which I will eventually finish and post one day) and being out of town for Christmas week with my girlfriend's family (and not internet, save for on my phone), updates got to be pretty slim pickins for a while. But now I'm back and ready to spill my thoughts about several geek topics onto the page. Ready to go?
Final Crisis (here there be spoilers)
Yikes, what a mess.
Ok. I'll admit that before this year, I was never a huge DC fan. I was and always will be a Marvel guy. It's just the way I was raised. My dad was a big Marvel guy, my uncles were Marvel guys, so it all just stuck. However, 2008 saw me making serious inroads at rectifying this.
It started at Wizard World Philly where I finally got to meet Ethan Van Sciver (DC exclusive artist extraordinaire) after spending years chatting with him on message boards. Amazing artist and awesome guy, I don't care what anyone says. I wanted him to sign something for me, and I picked up Green Lantern Rebirth and Sinistro Corps War vol 1. He did a cool Sinestro sketch in one of the books and got me really excited to read them.
In a span of just a few months, my Green Lantern Library jumped from two trades to six, and Hal Jordan is one of my favorite superheroes. Over the summer I also picked up both collections of Justice League Unlimited on dvd. I highly recommend it for anyone even tangentially entertained by comics and superheroes, it's great stuff. I even picked up the Identity Crisis and Green Arrow: Quiver trades. So, as you can see, I was slowly starting to get into the DCU.
Then I started reading Final Crisis.
The biggest problem with Final Crisis is the writer. I know Grant Morrison has ardent defenders all over the world. And I'm not trying to say that the man is untalented. In fact it's almost the opposite. His ideas are so big, and so unwieldy many times, he cannot convert his mental vision into a cohesive story that can be widely enjoyed. It also doesn't help that this huge event for the DCU is a love letter to Jack "King" Kirby and some of his lesser known work.
To put this in terms Marvel fans would understand; imagine if Secret Invasion focused, not on the shape shifting alien race of Skrulls (who show-up all over the place in the Marvel U) but instead on the Eternals, Deviants, and Celestials. The Deviants decided to take over the world and only the Eternals could stop them. Cap, Iron Man, Spidey, Wolverine, Luke Cage, etc are all either M.I.A., killed or, captured for 5/7th of the story. But instead it focused on Kirby's lesser known characters and treated them as though they were Cap, Iron Man, etc. and assumed that everyone knew the characters. It would be kinda weird, no?
Well that's essentially what's happening in Final Crisis. The Evil Gods of Apokalips and the New Gods of the 4th world had a battle and the Evil Gods defeated the New Gods. The Evil Gods come to Earth (inhabiting the bodies of established, but minor DCU characters) and bring with them the Anti-Life Equation. They set it loose over the globe and turn Earth into New Apokalips. Some are immune, but most turn into willing slaves of Darkseid (reincarnated in the body of 60 year-old cop Danny Turpin).
Sounds pretty cool so far right?
Until you realize that Superman is M.I.A., Martian Manhunter is killed in issue #1, Batman is captured (don't even get me started on what this means for Batman R.I.P.) and Wonder Woman is converted into a Darkseid slave and you hardly see her. 4 of the most recognizable of their superheroes are relegated to the sidelines while we spend most of our time with The Tatooed Man, Danny Turpin, A Monitor who's forgotten his true role, and the suddenly resurrected Wally West *EDIT* It's actually Barry Allen who has been brought back to life.
The whole thing is Motherboxes, "Kirby Dots" around dialog balloons and characters, the 4th World, and the Bleed. It's all over my head, and not made any easier to understand by Morrison's standard scene jumping with a lack of dialogue or captions explaining where we are and what we're seeing.
Final Crisis (here there be spoilers)
Yikes, what a mess.
Ok. I'll admit that before this year, I was never a huge DC fan. I was and always will be a Marvel guy. It's just the way I was raised. My dad was a big Marvel guy, my uncles were Marvel guys, so it all just stuck. However, 2008 saw me making serious inroads at rectifying this.
It started at Wizard World Philly where I finally got to meet Ethan Van Sciver (DC exclusive artist extraordinaire) after spending years chatting with him on message boards. Amazing artist and awesome guy, I don't care what anyone says. I wanted him to sign something for me, and I picked up Green Lantern Rebirth and Sinistro Corps War vol 1. He did a cool Sinestro sketch in one of the books and got me really excited to read them.
In a span of just a few months, my Green Lantern Library jumped from two trades to six, and Hal Jordan is one of my favorite superheroes. Over the summer I also picked up both collections of Justice League Unlimited on dvd. I highly recommend it for anyone even tangentially entertained by comics and superheroes, it's great stuff. I even picked up the Identity Crisis and Green Arrow: Quiver trades. So, as you can see, I was slowly starting to get into the DCU.
Then I started reading Final Crisis.
The biggest problem with Final Crisis is the writer. I know Grant Morrison has ardent defenders all over the world. And I'm not trying to say that the man is untalented. In fact it's almost the opposite. His ideas are so big, and so unwieldy many times, he cannot convert his mental vision into a cohesive story that can be widely enjoyed. It also doesn't help that this huge event for the DCU is a love letter to Jack "King" Kirby and some of his lesser known work.
To put this in terms Marvel fans would understand; imagine if Secret Invasion focused, not on the shape shifting alien race of Skrulls (who show-up all over the place in the Marvel U) but instead on the Eternals, Deviants, and Celestials. The Deviants decided to take over the world and only the Eternals could stop them. Cap, Iron Man, Spidey, Wolverine, Luke Cage, etc are all either M.I.A., killed or, captured for 5/7th of the story. But instead it focused on Kirby's lesser known characters and treated them as though they were Cap, Iron Man, etc. and assumed that everyone knew the characters. It would be kinda weird, no?
Well that's essentially what's happening in Final Crisis. The Evil Gods of Apokalips and the New Gods of the 4th world had a battle and the Evil Gods defeated the New Gods. The Evil Gods come to Earth (inhabiting the bodies of established, but minor DCU characters) and bring with them the Anti-Life Equation. They set it loose over the globe and turn Earth into New Apokalips. Some are immune, but most turn into willing slaves of Darkseid (reincarnated in the body of 60 year-old cop Danny Turpin).
Sounds pretty cool so far right?
Until you realize that Superman is M.I.A., Martian Manhunter is killed in issue #1, Batman is captured (don't even get me started on what this means for Batman R.I.P.) and Wonder Woman is converted into a Darkseid slave and you hardly see her. 4 of the most recognizable of their superheroes are relegated to the sidelines while we spend most of our time with The Tatooed Man, Danny Turpin, A Monitor who's forgotten his true role, and the suddenly resurrected Wally West *EDIT* It's actually Barry Allen who has been brought back to life.
The whole thing is Motherboxes, "Kirby Dots" around dialog balloons and characters, the 4th World, and the Bleed. It's all over my head, and not made any easier to understand by Morrison's standard scene jumping with a lack of dialogue or captions explaining where we are and what we're seeing.
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