If you read that blog title and immediately thought of Heavy D, Kool G Rap, Grand Puba, etc. You are fucking old! And no, the irony of that last adjective in relation to the title is not lost on me. Nope, it was quite fucking purposeful. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck.
That felt good. You see, I’ve been finding new and unique ways to censor myself as I hang out with the kids. Before, when I would just visit and hang out with the girlfriend and the boys, it was easy for me to wag my finger at her and say incredibly elitist and snotty things like “little pitchers have big ears!” whenever she would let some blue language slip. But now that the girlfriend is the wife-elect, and the boys are living with me 24/7, I see how difficult it can be to keep your language clean.
I have found some interesting deviations though, and I thought I’d share some with you.
Son-of-a-bitch = Son-of-a-business person’s special. Full disclosure, I’ve been saying this one for at least a decade; long before the wife-elect and I started dating. It started because the local sports talk station was always advertising business person specials and I honestly just liked how it sounded.
Fuck = Fudgicles. This one came form the common replacement of “fuck” with “fudge” and got twisted by a line from Milhouse Van Houten.
Fuck = Bugger. I’m a bit of an Anglophile, so this one was a given
Fuck/Shit=Ballsacky. Believe it or not, this one stems from my Anglophilia too. Instead of the common English saying of “balls” to take the place of either of those words, I just added the “sacky”
Shit=shi’ite. Fairly straightforward. Though I have been known to go even further and say “holy sh’ite muslim!”
Before long I should have a replacement for every cunting word in by vo-goddamn-cabulary!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Life as Daddy: Month One
I mentioned in a previous blog that my fiancee (though we prefer the term "wife-elect")and her two sons moved in with me recently. Well I have a little over a month under my belt living with her and the boys and it's been quite an experience so far.
The first thing that caught me off guard was coming home and hearing "hi daddy!". I was surprised at how quickly they both took to calling me daddy of their own accord. I gotta say, I love it. Though there are a few things I have to get used to.
First off, i need to get more selfless and less selfish. I'm not gonna lie, as an only child for the first 8 years of my life, and a geek for all 28 so far, I've grown used to being by myself in my down time, and appreciating the special kind of quiet solitude that exists between myself and my books, games, movies, music, etc. But now, I need to share that down time with the boys. Our oldest said yesterday that he likes when he, his brother and I bond. That's awesome! It makes my heart grow about 3 sizes just hearing him say that.
But the "bachelor" in me, still wants some time to do grown-up stuff. Mind you, our 8 and 6 year-old already think they're grown-ups (at least till the batteries in the night light die), but they aren't grown up enough to watch R-rated movies with me or play M-rated games with me, or listen to Cuban Linx II. I need to restructure my leisure time around the boys and things that we can all do together.
To that end, the wife-elect and I taught the boys how to play dominoes last weekend. We though this was a relatively simple game, that could keep us all entertained. Well, the rules proved a little too much for them at some points. Unfortunately a weekend full of them double dutching with our last nerves led to short fuses for both parents and this experiment was less than ideal. Not giving up though. We'll find something family friendly and fun eventually.
The first thing that caught me off guard was coming home and hearing "hi daddy!". I was surprised at how quickly they both took to calling me daddy of their own accord. I gotta say, I love it. Though there are a few things I have to get used to.
First off, i need to get more selfless and less selfish. I'm not gonna lie, as an only child for the first 8 years of my life, and a geek for all 28 so far, I've grown used to being by myself in my down time, and appreciating the special kind of quiet solitude that exists between myself and my books, games, movies, music, etc. But now, I need to share that down time with the boys. Our oldest said yesterday that he likes when he, his brother and I bond. That's awesome! It makes my heart grow about 3 sizes just hearing him say that.
But the "bachelor" in me, still wants some time to do grown-up stuff. Mind you, our 8 and 6 year-old already think they're grown-ups (at least till the batteries in the night light die), but they aren't grown up enough to watch R-rated movies with me or play M-rated games with me, or listen to Cuban Linx II. I need to restructure my leisure time around the boys and things that we can all do together.
To that end, the wife-elect and I taught the boys how to play dominoes last weekend. We though this was a relatively simple game, that could keep us all entertained. Well, the rules proved a little too much for them at some points. Unfortunately a weekend full of them double dutching with our last nerves led to short fuses for both parents and this experiment was less than ideal. Not giving up though. We'll find something family friendly and fun eventually.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Rantpire
Seriously. I'm done with this "new" breed of vampire fiction. I say "new" because most of these movies and tv shows are based on books that are almost a decade old. And in some cases, even older. Please don't read this as a diss on Stephanie Meyer. I got nothing against her as a person or her books about the adventures of borderline cannibalistic fairies. I just don't get why people insist on calling them "vampires". Vampires burn in the sunlight, not sparkle. Call me a purist, but I think that if you're going to call somethinf by a name, you should probably stick to the agreed upon definition of said word. For example, if I were to call an animal that barks and wags its tail a "bird", you would probably be confused as to why I don't just call it a "dog". And you know what? You'd be right.
You know who I really blame though? Anne Rice. Yes I own almost all of the Vampire Chronicles and have read the first 5, but looking back, she was the one who popularized this image of the vampire as the misunderstood tortured soul. Lestat eventually went from lovable rogue and a prick, to the 13th apostle.
You know who was an awesome vampire in relatively recent fiction? Proinsias muthafuckin' Cassidy! That was a bloodsucker who knew what he was and made no bones about it. he even got his redemption without being too emo about it. Awesome modern vampire. Give me 10 more like that guy and Ill start caring about vampire fiction again.
What's that you say? I can give a single dispensation to one kinda "fey" vamp?
Fine, I'll take William the Bloody. Any man who marches off to certain death saying "We band of buggered" can't be all that bad.
You know who I really blame though? Anne Rice. Yes I own almost all of the Vampire Chronicles and have read the first 5, but looking back, she was the one who popularized this image of the vampire as the misunderstood tortured soul. Lestat eventually went from lovable rogue and a prick, to the 13th apostle.
You know who was an awesome vampire in relatively recent fiction? Proinsias muthafuckin' Cassidy! That was a bloodsucker who knew what he was and made no bones about it. he even got his redemption without being too emo about it. Awesome modern vampire. Give me 10 more like that guy and Ill start caring about vampire fiction again.
What's that you say? I can give a single dispensation to one kinda "fey" vamp?
Fine, I'll take William the Bloody. Any man who marches off to certain death saying "We band of buggered" can't be all that bad.
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